My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to
tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I
fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood
there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and
came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with
a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too
then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
|
I was on Highway 20 out of Montreal driving toward Quebec
city and I decide to stop at a rest stop to use the men's
room. The first stall was occupied so I went in the second.
I am barely sitting down when I hear a voice from the other
stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation or fraternize in
men's rooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got
into me, so I answer, somewhat embarrassedly: "Not bad!"
And the other guy says: "So what's up with you?"
What a question? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say: "I'm like you, just traveling east!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an
idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all
my questions, bye!"
|
After three years of marriage, this woman is still
questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time,
"How many women have you slept with?"
"Darling," he protests, "If I told you, you'd have a fit."
She promises she won't get angry and convinces him to
tell her.
"Okay," he says, then starts to count on his fingers,
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven
- then there's you -
nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen..."
|
It's amazing how the whole campaign has caught on. The
thought of a sitting First Lady Of The United States
running for an elective office is truly amazing.
In New York City, everybody has a "Run, Hillary, Run!"
bumper sticker on his or her car.
Democrats put them on their rear bumpers.
Republicans put them on the front.
|
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten
teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's
son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead,
and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."
"That's right." the boy said. "But how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The
teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet
I can guess what it is. A box of candy."
"That's right. But how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner.
The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking.
She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and
touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop
of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring,
"I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied,
"It's a puppy!"
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WHAT A GUY REALLY MEANS WHEN HE SAYS...
"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand,
while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of
making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means... "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
|
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon
realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he
happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a
worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of
his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch,
he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his
throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant
leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three
more worms.
|
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit
prior to the birth of their first child. After everything
checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and
stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so
when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try
to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said,
"When you can read this, come back and see me."
|
The wife of a prisoner wrote her husband and complained to
him for getting locked up and leaving her with all the farm
duties to do by herself. She was particularly upset that she
would have to plow a 40 acre field to plant the potatoes.
The prisoner wrote back telling her not to plow the field
because he had hidden money there.
Later, he received a letter from his wife saying his mail
must be censored because the sheriff and his deputies
were out to the farm digging through the field but not
finding anything. She asked what she should do next.
He answered, "Plant the potatoes."
|
Today’s Funny Quote Courtesy of The-Mouth.com
"While it may be true that the quickest way to a man's
heart is through his stomach, sometimes it can be much
more satisfying hacking your way through the rib cage."
- Cara-Beth Lillback
|
Every morning Custer rode through the Indian Reservation
on his horse accompanied by his faithful Indian scout.
And every morning as he rode past the Indian chief he
was greeted with the gesture of first a finger raised
vertically - then the finger thrust horizontally.
Eventually Custer said to his scout "I know what the
chief means by the vertical finger, but what's the
significance of the horizontal one?".
The scout replied
"Chief, him no like your horse either!"
|
A sister and brother are talking to each other when
the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa
and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a
frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell
Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and
says, "Please make
a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and
I'm telling you no."
The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make
a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog
noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when
you croak we can go to Disney world!"
|
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped,
turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour
long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find
a new pilot."
|
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye.
It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man
thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for
$500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he decided
to check it out. So he went to the house of the lady who
was selling the Porsche. She led him into the garage.
Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed, "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady.
Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran
perfectly.
When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are
you selling me this great Porsche for $500?"
Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off
with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house
and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the
money.'"
|
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade
class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced
an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of
whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor
while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in
water could be. He then put the second worm into the
whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then
quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the
professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and
wisely, responded confidently,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
|
A Russian, an American, and a (fill in your favorite put-downer!) were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "So, we were the first on the Moon!"
The (your favorite put-downer) said,
"So what! We're going to be first on the Sun!"
The Russian and American looked at each other and shook
their heads.
"You can't land on the Sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!"
said the Russian.
The (your favorite put-downer) replied,
"We're not stupid! you know.
We're going at night!"
|
SIGNS
Plumber:
"We repair what your husband Fixed."
Sign at the psychic's Hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
On an Electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
On a fence:
"Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
|
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all
alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck
in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's
not a ship." The speck gets a little closer
and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck
gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not
a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous
blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba
gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long
has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof
pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out
a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag,
and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since
you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof
pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a
flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow,
that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper
that runs down the front of her wet suit
and she says to him, "And how long has
it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies,
"My Gosh!
Don't tell me
that you've got
golf clubs in there!"
|
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor,
my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening,
she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.
In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks
her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath
and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly
is Larry's bar?"
|
A husband and wife decided they needed to use code to
indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their
children in on it. They decided on the word "Typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go
tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her mother what her dad said and her mom
responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter
right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy
that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and
announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter,
he already wrote the letter by hand."
|
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"
The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and
cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the damn money is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where
the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know
what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to
the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says,
"Ask him again where the money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know
where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is
hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you
don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
|
"First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Next you forget to pull your zipper up
and finally,
you forget to pull it down."
- George Burns
|
"How long have you been driving without
a tail light?" asked the policeman after
pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his
car, and gave a long, painful groan.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved
to ease up on him a bit.
"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have
to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know
what happened to my boat and trailer?"
|
A wife’s definition of retirement:
"Twice as much husband on half as much pay."
|
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only
allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have
to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher
who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in
search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the
usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but
with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
|
"Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I
was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years."
- George Burns
|
Mickey's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics
guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a
lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle"
products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age
would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Mickey replied, "Judging from
your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure,
twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Mickey interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet."
|
A woman went to a computer dating service and said
she didn't care about looks, income or background.
All she wanted was a man of upright character.
Then a man came in and told them the only thing he
was seeking in a woman was intelligence.
The service matched them together at once because
they had one thing in common -
they were both
pathological liars.
|
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady
turned to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one
of those hideous representations you
call modern art?"
"No, Madam," replied the attendant.
"That one's called a mirror."
|
By the time John arrived at the football game,
the first quarter was almost over.
"Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going
to church and coming to the game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."
|
The tired doctor was awakened by a phone
call in the middle of the night.
"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the
distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed
a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly,
but before he could get out the door, the phone
rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman
said with a sigh of relief.
"My husband just found
another one."
|
The jumbo jet is just coming into an Airport in Toronto on
its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.
"This is Capt. Johnson. We're on our final descent into
Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today,
and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto.
He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane
can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The
co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, watcha gonna
do in Toronto?
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the
hotel and take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new
stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the
huge breasts. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her
back to my room, and shag her all night."
Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the
new stewardess.
She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the
plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom
off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's
bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run, dear,
he's gotta take a crap first!"
|
The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed
bachelor for many years. "Mr. Avery, don't leave it
too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only
have to say the word and you'll meet and be married
in no time!" says the Matchmaker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at
home who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the
world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."
|
Jack decides to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They load up
Jack's station-wagon and head north. After driving for a
few hours, they get caught in a terrible blizzard. They
pull into a nearby farmhouse and ask the attractive
lady of the house if they can spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack says, "we'll be happy to sleep in the
barn."
Nine months later, Jack gets a letter from the widow's
attorney. He calls up his friend Bob and says, "Bob, do
you remember that good looking widow at the farm we
stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night and
have sex with her?
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your
name?"
Bob's face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks a lot, pal...she just died and left me her farm."
|
My mom admitted to being a less than
fastidious housekeeper.
One evening my dad returned home from
work, walked into the kitchen and said,
"You know, dear, I can write my name
in the dust on the mantel."
Mom turned to him and sweetly replied,
"Yes, darling, that's why I married
a college graduate."
|
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the
television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be
healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the
TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted
to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set,
placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her
arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand
on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't
get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick,
not to raise the dead!"
|
ONE LINERS FROM WOMEN
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I
know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde
- Dolly Parton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride.
- Roseanne Barr
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
- Gilda Radner
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave
a man I keep his house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
|
"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and
report the facts."
- Will Rogers
|
The skydiving instructor was going through the question and
answer period with his new students when one of them asked
the usual question always asked, "If our chute doesn't open;
and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we
hit the ground?"
The jump instructor answered, "The rest of your life."
|
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her
apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed
with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the
floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and
huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman could have
such a large collection of teddy bears, especially one
that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
He guesses that her collection of teddy bears is like his
series of 'notches' on his bead-post at home.
He decides that if the night goes well, he may want to
add a teddy bear to her collection.
He turns to her . . . they kiss . .
And then they rip each other's clothes off and make
wild animal love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying
together in the afterglow, and the fellow thinks that
this was the best sex he's had in a long, long time.
He is sure that he gave her the night of her life!
As they are lying together relaxing, he rolls over and
asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"
The woman replied, "You can have any prize from
the bottom shelf."
|
RADAR: "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right
45 degrees."
PILOT: "Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much
noise can we make up here?"
RADAR: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes
when it hits a 747?
|
PROVERBS FROM FIRST GRADERS
Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You
Have To Blow Your Nose.
Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.
|
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an
Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor,
because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand
printed sign . . .
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step on exhaust."
|
A bride called to make a change to her
wedding registry. It is common, almost
expected, that a bride will change something
on her registry at least once (dishes, color
of towels, etc.). The Customer Service
Representative told her that J.C. Penney
would be happy to make the change. He asked
if the bride wanted to change the dishes or
the linens.
The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just
wanted to change the name of the groom."
|
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain
and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate
ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to
his First Mate, 'Bring me my red shirt!' The First Mate
quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the
captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate
boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among
the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the
lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but
the captain, calm as ever bellowed, 'Bring me my red
shirt!' And once again the battle was on. However, the
Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,
though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that
night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign
looked to the Captain and asked, 'Sir, why did you call
for your red shirt before the battle?' The Captain, giving
the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted,
'If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show
the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight
unafraid.' The men sat in silence marveling at the
courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the
lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them,
all with boarding parties on their way. The men became
silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his
usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my
brown pants!'
|
|
SOME ONE LINERS…………
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
|
Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the
table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across
an article about a beautiful actress that was about to
marry a football player who was known primarily for his
lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on
his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks
get the most attractive wives."
Marlene replies, "Why thank you, dear!"
|
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately
to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his
swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he
undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair
of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He
panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying
in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his
private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward
and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You
know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.'
'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know
what I think?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that
the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'
|
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand,
tears running down her face. Her praying roused him
from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began
to move slightly, "My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I
have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right. Go to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your
sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly,
"That's why I poisoned you."
|
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.
A well endowed very attractive lady comes in and wants to
bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm topless."
With that she strips naked from the waist up, and rolls
the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new bra!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of
the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and her clothes and
quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"
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FAMOUS LAST WORDS
Ha! They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
We won't need reservations.
It's always sunny there this time of the year.
Don't worry, it's not loaded.
They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
You can make it easy... that train isn't coming fast.
Gimmee a match. I think my gas tank is empty.
Let's see if it's loaded.
Just watch me dive from that bridge.
If you knew anything, you wouldn't be a traffic cop.
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LOOKING OLD AND NOT KNOWING IT
Everyone has been guilty of looking at others our own age
and thinking, surely I cannot look that old. While waiting
for my first appointment in the reception room of a new
dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with
the same name had been in my high school class some
40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded
any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the
deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had
attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When
did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1956." "Why,
you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me
closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
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Once a Pope and a lawyer died and went to heaven.
God came and said, "Follow me and I will give you your
rooms." So they both followed. First God gave the Pope
his room; it was very small with a small bed and a small
desk. "Thank you, thank you my lord," said The Pope.
Then God gave the lawyer his room; it was big room with
a big bed and a big deck with a pool and a pretty woman.
"Mr. God, why are you giving this room to me and the other
one to The Pope?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, we get popes by the dozens,
but you're our first
lawyer."
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MARRIAGE SHORTS
When a woman steals your husband, there is no
better revenge than to let her keep him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my
husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you
married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted
through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting
a ball and bat:
"I'm the greatest batter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the
greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he
swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball
carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.
He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the
greatest batter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it.
He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world, too!"
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Dan came to work one day, limping something awful. One of
his co-workers, Bill, noticed and asked Dan what happened.
Dan replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury
that acts up once in a while."
"Gee, I never knew you played hockey", said Bill.
"No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the
Stanley Cup play-offs.
I put my foot through the television..."
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A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and
mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle,
the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to
find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig
of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling
sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick,
impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband.
"The lion got himself
into this mess,
let him get himself out of it."
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THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!
* Don't worry. I think it’s sharp enough.
* Uh-oh.
* I don't know where that came from!
Just put it over there.
* Better crank up that anesthesia.
* I don't think that was supposed to come off.
* Gonna have to stop here, his insurance won't pay for the
rest.
* Well, it's five o'clock!
We'll just put this off till tomorrow.
* Hey....maybe the janitor knows what this is.
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A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in
their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is
high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his
little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old
says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning,
I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4-year-old happily
agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast
table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what
he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies,
"Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios.”
The surprised mother reacts quickly. "WHACK!" The boy
runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a
sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger
son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers,
"but you can bet your ASS
it's not gonna be Cheerios!"
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Once there was a man who prided himself on having all of
the latest gadgets for his car. One day a young man pulled
up alongside his car in an old, beat up VW and waved a
sheet of fax paper, yelling, "Look what I've got!"
Not to be outdone, the man had a fax installed in his car
that very afternoon. The next time he saw the VW, it was
parked and the windows seemed to be steamed up. The man
rapped on a window and when the young man appeared, waved
a sheet of fax paper at him and said, "I've got one too."
At which the young man gave him a disdainful look and said,
"You got me out of the shower just to tell me that?"
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The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her
wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday
were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well,
but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning
off to the right, so some family members grabbed her,
straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so
again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her
left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family
members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase
around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma
and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are
they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote
a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."
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TOP BUMPER STICKERS
* If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
* The Earth Is Full - Go Home
* I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
* Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
* If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
* The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
* Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
* Honk If Anything Falls Off
* Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes
* I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
* You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
* I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
* I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
* Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
* Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
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ACTUAL BUSINESS SIGNS
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
On a fence:
"Salesmen Welcome. Dog food is expensive."
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The first year student had just gotten a beat up old
VW beetle from his parents.
He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and
overturned the car directly between the house of
Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Balls
...
luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.
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A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his
feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd
ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say
about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said,
"Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to
the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent
the night with him.
The next morning she handed
him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said,
"Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real
flattered.
Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah
services before."
The woman replied,
"Don't be flattered... take the money
and buy yourself some boots that fit."
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A man walks into the doctor's office with 2 black eyes and
a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck.
Naturally the doctor asks why, and the man begins his story.
"Well, my wife and I went out for a quiet day of golf on
Father’s Day. She teed off and we watched her ball head
straight into a pasture of cows. We walk over to look for
it. As I looked around I saw something white on the rear
end of a cow, I walk over and sure enough, there's my
wife's ball stuck right in the middle of the cows butt.
So I lift up the tail, and scream to my wife,
hey this looks like yours!
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A daddy, mommy and baby mole are in their hole relaxing
one morning when the daddy mole sticks his head out of
the hole and says, "I smell pancakes".
The mommy mole sticks her head out the tiny hole and says,
"I smell pancakes too...pancakes with maple syrup!! Baby
mole come smell the pancakes with maple syrup".
The baby mole sticks his head upwards to get to the hole
and exclaims "I cant smell anything but molasses"
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Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.
Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...
neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER..
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
~ And finally ~
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
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